January 8th, flamboyantly proud homosexual and Apple CEO Tim Cook tweeted a message in Spanish on his personal account to Mexicans who can’t afford his smartphones, but would probably murder to own one by working for the Mexican drug cartel if given the opportunity.
¡Hola México! ¡Feliz de abrir una tienda pronto en su país! https://t.co/HYBUaSWMcq
— Tim Cook (@tim_cook) January 9, 2016
Cook’s highly offensive tweet roughly translates to, “Hello Mexico! Happy National Pubic Hair Day! Apple Mexico store to come on you soon!”
According to numerous undercover reports gathered in Cupertino area gay bars, in which Cook allegedly frequents, Apple is attempting to penetrate the Mexican smartphone market by smuggling its devices in the rectums of eager American tourists crossing the border.
“While at the airport, be aware of anyone walking around like they have a rather large, black, rectangle cock in their ass. It’s the best way to spot an Apple fanboy,” warns Jim Peterson, head of the LAX Transportation Security Agency.
With the iPhone’s unbreakable encryption features, murderous drug lords in Mexico are sure to adopt the iPhone as their smartphone of choice while plotting to sell heroin to your cousin.