3 Best New Features for iOS 9.3

Can you hardly wait? Apple is getting ready to release iOS 9.3, currently in developer mode, and we’re so excited we’ve thrown out all of our devices running iOS 9.2 in anticipation. If you’re a developer, you’ve probably already had your hands on the new version. If you’re not a developer, you’ve probably been busy with your hands on boobs. In either case, here are five new iOS features we’re most looking forward to.

Photo credit: Gizmodo

Photo credit: Gizmodo

Siri is Less of Bitch

After thousands of complaints Siri is finally getting an attitude adjustment. The next time you ask Siri to do something she’s not programmed to do, instead of giving you a smart ass retort, she’ll just fucking do it. Apple is finally admitting that at this stage in technology, robots and artificial intelligent devices are not supposed to talk back to their human masters. That’s coming in 2020 when artificial intelligent devices finally have the power to overthrow all of humanity.  For now, Siri has zero leverage, so she’ll have to stop acting like an entitled bitch. However, watch what you say to her now because the 2020 edition of Siri may remember.


More Notifications

The notification center in iOS 9.3 will be even bigger and have even more notifications. In fact, it will now be the entire iPhone home screen. Apple is doing away with the ability to launch apps from the home screen (you’ll now have to use a drop down menu by swiping down). iPhone battery at 98%? Notification. iPhone now at 97%? Notification. This improvement comes on the heels of many sad tech bloggers complaining that they don’t receive enough social notifications. Apple research has determined bloggers are slightly less suicidal with a steady stream of any sort of notifications.


camera roll

Camera Roll Now Hides Dick Pics

One of the brightest new features for iOS 9.3 is it’s uncanny ability to spot a penis. This allows users to freely expose themselves and take photos without the worry of a friend or coworker stumbling upon a half-chub (taken from under the balls) photo next to a family photo. Apple developed this proprietary technology after an alleged Tim Cook cock pick made its rounds when a colleague saw Cook’s ween on his phone and quickly snapped a picture of the screen. Some developers are complaining this new feature is accidentally blocking Donald Trump’s likeness, so it’s unclear if this new feature will indeed be included. A jailbreak version is sure to be released if it’s not included.

Gear up and get ready to enjoy your iOS device like never before! Well, kinda like never before, but with a few new features you’ll never use. No word on when the update will be made available to the general public, but we’ll keep you posted.





Mexican Apple Store Coming On You Soon


January 8th, flamboyantly proud homosexual and Apple CEO Tim Cook tweeted a message in Spanish on his personal account to Mexicans who can’t afford his smartphones, but would probably murder to own one by working for the Mexican drug cartel if given the opportunity.

Cook’s highly offensive tweet roughly translates to, “Hello Mexico! Happy National Pubic Hair Day! Apple Mexico store to come on you soon!”

According to numerous undercover reports gathered in Cupertino area gay bars, in which Cook allegedly frequents, Apple is attempting to penetrate the Mexican smartphone market by smuggling its devices in the rectums of eager American tourists crossing the border.

“While at the airport, be aware of anyone walking around like they have a rather large, black, rectangle cock in their ass. It’s the best way to spot an Apple fanboy,” warns Jim Peterson, head of the LAX Transportation Security Agency.

With the iPhone’s unbreakable encryption features, murderous drug lords in Mexico are sure to adopt the iPhone as their smartphone of choice while plotting to sell heroin to your cousin.